What does it all boil down to?

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

  • Late-Night Lonely Liberations.



    From the journal of Chris Bernal:

    11/18 - 1:30 AM
    "I just watched Serendipity. I feel weird.

    It's a nice idea. That if you just listen to the universe, it can lead you to where you need to be. It will take you to the place where you can be what you're supposed to be.

    I miss being in love. It's been three years since I've really truly liked someone. Three years! I want a relationship. I want someone that I am attracted to to be attracted to me. Is that too much to ask for? Why? Why hasn't it happened to me yet?

    What's comforting is that I know I'm not alone. I know I like to pretend to be, but I can name any number of people that are/were in the same boat as me.

    But you know? I would rather have every one of them find love and me be alone. Is that stupid of me? Am I playing the martyr? Probably. But for now, that's how I feel.

    I would love to find something, but I'd rather everyone else did. Now that is love. Sacrifice.

    Or is it just narcissism? That would be the best way for me to be in the spotlight. Forever. Dan would say that it's just me being selfish.
    But maybe I'm just not supposed to find love this time around. And is that so wrong? Happiness is not dependent on another person. It's not. Say what you want, but I don't need romance to be happy. I just need to fall in love with something else. Magic, Writing, Librarianship. Whatever. Single people are necessary. Not even just for the Schadenfreude of couples. But sane, clearheaded singles make plenty of worthwhile contributions to society. I know it's harder for us to adopt, but we can do that too.

    But I have to be honest. Being single for the rest of my life is just daunting. It will get lonely. It will get hard. It will get sad. But maybe, just maybe, it is the final lesson we need to learn in order to achieve the next level of enlightenment. To leave this plane of Earthly Reincarnations, and to move on.
    Maybe."

Wednesday, 04 November 2009

Monday, 02 November 2009

  • Elementalism.

    "Damn community college. Damn myself for losing my tenuous grip on the elemental balance. At this point in my life I have no earth or fire in myself, two elements that took a lot of work for me to get into. During that first year at Cy-fair, I jumped into the water and sunk. I didn't drown, if only because water is my element, but if I had been anything else, I think that depression would've gotten the best of me. But because it was my 'home town', I survived. Now I've surfaced, and I have to learn to live on land again. But I think I can do it. I think I can do it, because I want to do it." -Me, May 24, 2009.

    Things are better. I have air in my body again. I have my feet on the earth. And I have my hands near the fire. I need need need to focus on it more though.

    Ugh, I'm going to bed. I'll ponder on this more tomorrow.

Saturday, 31 October 2009

  • St. Patrick's Day.




    As November rolls around, I am once again reminded of this John Mayer song. The song is basically about how he finds a relationship to have for the winter. I understood the song, but it wasn't until last November that I actually got it.
    Around this time last year, I drove to Houston and joined my friends at Starbucks. It was chilly, but nice to see everyone.

    It was me, Morgan and Armand, Misha and Ron, and Vicki and Josh. I was surrounded by couples. New couples at that. Vicki and Josh had been together all summer, and their summer romance was now turning into a winter one. Misha and Morgan both found their respective others a week or so before this night. But they all lasted till spring. They were warm and cozy in their love cocoons. Even when Yma came back in December, she promptly got with Charles. Then April rolled around. Morgan and Armand broke up, because on a basic level they both understood that it had just been a winter romance. And Yma and Charles broke up, for similar reasons. Vicki and Josh started having troubles then, because they didn't know. Or maybe they did know, and just chose to ignore it. They've both got Aries in them, so it's only natural. And Misha and Ron made it. That makes me happy. Happy to see that a winter thing can survive.

    But the whole point is that it's happening again. Vicki's with Dan now. Morgan's with Chris, and that's going to last till at least spring, I can already tell. Yma's itching to find someone, just as Faraz is. They're cold, and are looking for warmth. Even the Texas State kids. They're all looking for something right now.

    But what about me?

    Am I cold? I enjoy the cold. And I feel like I enjoy my singleness. But have I deluded myself into feeling this way? That I'm okay with it? Is this a survival tactic? I trick myself into feeling happy, just so I don't have to feel sad. Winter has never brought out the urge to be with someone. Spring usually does. And I feel like spring is a good time to start a relationship. Look at Maddie and Drake. They're good together.